Sorry, I couldn't resist. (Google the title if you don't know what I'm referring to.)
I've been thinking a lot about practice ever since I read somewhere that "anti-racism is a practice." When I first saw the phrase, I stopped and read it again. It sounded weird to me. I thought to myself, "But aren't you either one or the other, racist or not racist?" But as I read up on the topic, it made sense. Even if you're not actively racist, even if you truly believe that all people's lives are precious and you long for the day when people are treated truly equally regardless of their skin color or ethnicity or background, we all have prejudices, biases and thoughts that are based on race. We have all been racist. One part of anti-racism is undoing that type of thinking, and it's an ongoing practice. It's not a light switch you either flip on or off.
This made me think about other areas that require practice. For example, calm is a practice. Gratitude is a practice. Humility is a practice. But how often do we just attribute those traits as innate qualities that someone is born with? "Oh, she's so calm," or "He's always thankful and doesn't take things in life for granted." We'd like to believe those people are born with those traits. You know why? Because it lets us off the hook. I wasn't born [calm/grateful/humble/etc.], so it's not my fault. It's just not "who I am." In the Bible, we have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. No one is born with all these qualities perfectly developed; in fact, it's quite the opposite. Galatians talks about how we're born with qualities that go against the Spirit, like enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, etc. In other words, it takes practice to both build up these good qualities and to fight our destructive qualities.
The prevailing narrative in this country, however, is that it is one or the other--you're racist or you're not. And so people will often defend themselves to the ends of earth saying "I'm not racist!" Then what happens is the denial continues, and the difficult internal work people need to do doesn't get done. I think this is where education is so crucial, and I am hopeful that we are starting to see some tides shifting. We need to see the normalization of the truth that we are all flawed in our thinking and that we all see things based on race sometimes. We need to accept that this stuff is messy, nuanced and hard. We need to see people talking about these things openly, without judgment, without shame. We need to see change at both the structural level and the individual level. So individually, how do we do it? I am committing my family to this practice in a few ways: 1. I buy/borrow a lot of books for myself and for the kids. I think it's important to not only read books about civil rights, racism, discrimination, etc., but also books that celebrate people of color's lives just because they're amazing. It normalizes the success of people of every race. 2. We talk about it at home. I am proud that Lana and Jonah know so much more than I did when I was their age. 3. I seek out resources that help my education on the topic. 4. I donate to causes that are fighting racism. 5. I also do the above things for anti-sexism and anti-ableism, because they are different flavors of the same problem.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Unlearning
One particular concept has been persistently popping into my mind all week, a buzzword of the current times: unlearning.
To me, unlearning means questioning and getting curious about what we've learned, whether through 1) education (formal or informal) or 2) internalized experiences, mostly during childhood, and challenging ourselves to view it in a different light or maybe overturn it entirely based on new information. I think the reason why unlearning is so hard is because what we learned as a child frames our worldview. In other words, it is our reality, whether it’s true or not. I’m not judging that at all—all of us believe things that are true and not true. But what I am saying is that the process of unlearning is difficult as an adult because we’re altering the reality as we had known it. Sometimes, it also means admitting we were wrong or ignorant in the past.
I think this is why learning about systemic racism is so hard for most people who don’t have firsthand experience of it. I’m not making excuses for anyone, because there are many who are willfully ignorant. But if you haven't experienced it, and you haven't really been taught about it, then it's just not part of your reality.
I took a class in law school called Race and the Law. It was eye-opening. I remember discussions in class regarding the model minority myth and how damaging it is and how we as Asian-Americans sometimes benefit from these racist structures at the expense of Black, Hispanic or Native American people. It's hard to learn about this. It's an uncomfortable truth, but old "truths" needed to be unlearned and moved out to make space for it. That process includes asking myself, "How have I unwittingly contributed to systemic racism by my speech and actions, or by my silence and inaction?"
I feel like all those things you read these days encouraging people to push through the discomfort and keep going--it's addressing this process of unlearning. And I've noticed that there's one thing you always see with people who are actively unlearning: humility. They are humble, not proud. They are teachable, not inflexible. They readily admit their wrongs, instead of denying them. You can't unlearn without a humble attitude. And this is probably the hardest for White people because they will always be missing the "experience" part of the equation, but we Asian-Americans are guilty of it too. Being poc ourselves does not absolve us of problematic thinking or attitudes.
So let's be humble as we continue our process of unlearning. Let's be curious about our defensiveness and why we feel uncomfortable. Let's show our kids this process and model it for them. What if my kids could just learn it the first time, and never have to unlearn it? How would that impact this country in 20 years?
I feel like all those things you read these days encouraging people to push through the discomfort and keep going--it's addressing this process of unlearning. And I've noticed that there's one thing you always see with people who are actively unlearning: humility. They are humble, not proud. They are teachable, not inflexible. They readily admit their wrongs, instead of denying them. You can't unlearn without a humble attitude. And this is probably the hardest for White people because they will always be missing the "experience" part of the equation, but we Asian-Americans are guilty of it too. Being poc ourselves does not absolve us of problematic thinking or attitudes.
So let's be humble as we continue our process of unlearning. Let's be curious about our defensiveness and why we feel uncomfortable. Let's show our kids this process and model it for them. What if my kids could just learn it the first time, and never have to unlearn it? How would that impact this country in 20 years?
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Racists make me tired
Last Saturday, I participated in a peaceful protest held in my town against police brutality and to show our support for Black Lives Matter. There is so much work to be done, but I was proud of our town for taking this stand. I found out yesterday that someone at the protest, a young Asian-American woman, had a "F*** the Police" sign at the protest. I didn't see it firsthand, but a friend shared a post on Facebook about it. A white man who lives in town saw it, took a picture, then posted it in a public Facebook post saying, "To my Leonia people who is this and how do you think this is ok and peaceful." Someone saw the post and took screenshots of it and a few of the comments. Thankfully, the screenshots blocked the woman's face to protect her identity, so I don't know how old she is but it seems that there is consensus that she is young, so I’m guessing anywhere from high school to early 20s.
The ensuing comments on the original post are horrific (and apparently the screenshot only captured a few of the hundreds of comments): outright racist remarks/tired racist Asian tropes alluding to her foreignness and inability to speak English properly - "She is a rooser" and "She thinks she a smart wise ass...than she should get the hell out of our country!" (grammatical errors and spelling mistakes ironic because, you know, he's saying, ok you get it) as well as a double whammy that combines both sexism AND racism in one fell swoop, not to mention sexualization of a young woman: "Maybe she meant 'Happy Ending' but couldn't fit in on the sign ??? 😆😆😆” That last comment about the "happy ending" was posted by Jack Peters, a Leonia resident, President of Leonia Fire Company #1 and Lieutenant of the Leonia Volunteer Fire Department.
The post was eventually taken down, but not after it had already made the rounds and as you know, nothing ever completely disappears from the Internet. I’m not clear if the original poster faced any consequences or has said anything publicly, but our mayor caught wind of the post and had a long discussion with Jack Peters, who initially issued an apology to the town, but then soon after decided that he would voluntarily resign from both posts. The mayor announced the resignation on our town listserv as well as a Facebook group called “I grew up in Leonia” which has 2,600 members. I didn’t grow up here and I’m not a part of it, but according to its page, the group’s purpose is to “...reminisce about the past, reunite, share photos and documents, discuss history, and update each other about the town's present.” The comments that were posted in response to the mayor’s announcement are equally horrific, but perhaps not completely surprising. I have to admit that living in a town that is very politically liberal and also has a significant Korean population, I got complacent. I’ve personally experienced very little racism while living here the past five years, but this incident has been a jarring reminder of the ubiquity of racism, even in this progressive, diverse town.
I’m angry but shouting at people is not going to change anything. So below I’ve dissected why so much of what I read on that Facebook post is problematic. As they say, having the right language is key. We can’t begin to identify, assess and fight racism and white supremacy until we are able to name the issues and speak clearly about them.
Re the original post, a couple thoughts. 1) Imagine having the luxury of being more offended by the F word or outraged at a generalization about police written on a poster than what triggered that poster—a black man calmly being murdered in broad daylight by a police officer? Do I personally agree with the poster? No. But if you don’t understand WHY she wrote that poster—the ugly and persistent history of police brutality against Black people in our country—then you are missing the point entirely. 2) God I am so tired of the perpetual foreigner trope. It doesn’t matter if you are born and raised here and can speak, read and write English better than a lot of white people (fight me on this one), some people will look at you and automatically assume you’re not American. Are we seriously still discussing this right now? 3) The sexualization of a woman, let alone a young woman, is deeply disturbing, esp. by a man who some said is old enough to be her father.
Re the comments: there are a few recurring themes in the comments that are SO textbook. Robin DiAngelo, the author of White Fragility, described her experience giving talks to groups of white people on anti-racism training and said this: “It’s so consistent and so patterned, it’s like a script; after a while you can just stand there and say, ‘I can predict what a white person is going to say right now.’” What’s basically happening in the comments of this post is that white people are arguing with each other--some who think the right result happened, and some who think that things went “too far.” Here are some of the common themes coming up from those in that latter camp:
- “He’s a good man!” / “He’s a firefighter and public servant!” / “I know the kind of person he is!” → POINT: We should see the offender here as an individual and look at the totality of who he is, including his good works. COUNTERPOINT: White people want to be seen as individuals but are constantly generalizing and stereotyping all people of color (white people clutching their purses when a black man approaches, black people being followed in stores, Asians are good at math, etc.) Ironic, right? Because what did Jack Peters do? Oh that’s right, he took one look at that woman and insinuated in the joke that because she is an Asian woman, she’s a massage parlor prostitute. Also, the fact that he’s in public service is not supporting your argument. The onus is HIGHER on public servants to do the right thing because they need to have the trust of the public to do their work effectively. Don’t you see how this has come full circle from the poster expressing anger at the police?
- “This isn’t the town we grew up in!” → POINT: Things have gotten worse in our town based on this incident. COUNTERPOINT: Code words for the good ol’ days when white people could say what they wanted without consequence, and accountability for racism didn’t exist.
- “We all get emotional!” / “It was one mistake!” / “Get over it!” / “That’s not who he is.” → POINT: No one’s perfect, so he should be given a pass. It wasn’t that bad. He’s not really racist. Racism is not a big problem. COUNTERPOINT: A common tactic that denies the severity of a racist act and also minimizes the impact of that act on people of color. It’s telling people of color how to feel when confronted with racism, aka whitesplaining. The “That’s not who he is” is particularly laughable to me. If you’re able to make that kind of comment casually on Facebook, that is exactly who you are. You aren’t a racist on Facebook who is anti-racist in real life. There is an acronym used in psychology called DARVO. It’s a tactic people use where they: 1) Deny, 2) Attack, 3) Reverse Victim and Offender. This is the “deny” piece.
- “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” / “This is a witch hunt!” → POINT: This is an overreaction and we should not have to deal with this. You are not good people. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “attack” piece. Attacking the people who are trying to hold someone accountable.
- “He should not have had to lose his job!” / “Poor Jack!” / “This has turned into a lynch mob! (No, really. Someone said that. Ugh.) POINT: We are the victims. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “reverse victim and offender” piece of DARVO, making the offender out to be the victim. Quick fact check here: no one fired him. He resigned voluntarily.
While it is not the responsibility of people of color to take on the labor of educating white folks about their own racism, I needed to work this out for myself. A couple thoughts to close this out: 1. I am so disappointed in what I saw on that Facebook post, but maybe it was good to see the ugliness exposed so we can be reminded of what we’re dealing with. We ALL need to do the really hard, uncomfortable work of rooting out the racism in us and addressing it, but white people especially because white supremacy was built for them at the expense of people of color. It’s a problem when we’re still often at the very first stage of trying to get people to acknowledge that racism exists at all. 2. I am a pessimist at heart, but I also want to celebrate the many successes that have happened since the protests started, like Louisville passing Breonna’s Law which bans no-knock warrants and many cities redirecting funds from the police budget to services for health, homelessness, youth, education, etc. 3. There is no middle ground here. You have to make a decision as to which side you’re on. And if you don’t pick, it’s been picked for you.
The ensuing comments on the original post are horrific (and apparently the screenshot only captured a few of the hundreds of comments): outright racist remarks/tired racist Asian tropes alluding to her foreignness and inability to speak English properly - "She is a rooser" and "She thinks she a smart wise ass...than she should get the hell out of our country!" (grammatical errors and spelling mistakes ironic because, you know, he's saying, ok you get it) as well as a double whammy that combines both sexism AND racism in one fell swoop, not to mention sexualization of a young woman: "Maybe she meant 'Happy Ending' but couldn't fit in on the sign ??? 😆😆😆” That last comment about the "happy ending" was posted by Jack Peters, a Leonia resident, President of Leonia Fire Company #1 and Lieutenant of the Leonia Volunteer Fire Department.
The post was eventually taken down, but not after it had already made the rounds and as you know, nothing ever completely disappears from the Internet. I’m not clear if the original poster faced any consequences or has said anything publicly, but our mayor caught wind of the post and had a long discussion with Jack Peters, who initially issued an apology to the town, but then soon after decided that he would voluntarily resign from both posts. The mayor announced the resignation on our town listserv as well as a Facebook group called “I grew up in Leonia” which has 2,600 members. I didn’t grow up here and I’m not a part of it, but according to its page, the group’s purpose is to “...reminisce about the past, reunite, share photos and documents, discuss history, and update each other about the town's present.” The comments that were posted in response to the mayor’s announcement are equally horrific, but perhaps not completely surprising. I have to admit that living in a town that is very politically liberal and also has a significant Korean population, I got complacent. I’ve personally experienced very little racism while living here the past five years, but this incident has been a jarring reminder of the ubiquity of racism, even in this progressive, diverse town.
I’m angry but shouting at people is not going to change anything. So below I’ve dissected why so much of what I read on that Facebook post is problematic. As they say, having the right language is key. We can’t begin to identify, assess and fight racism and white supremacy until we are able to name the issues and speak clearly about them.
Re the original post, a couple thoughts. 1) Imagine having the luxury of being more offended by the F word or outraged at a generalization about police written on a poster than what triggered that poster—a black man calmly being murdered in broad daylight by a police officer? Do I personally agree with the poster? No. But if you don’t understand WHY she wrote that poster—the ugly and persistent history of police brutality against Black people in our country—then you are missing the point entirely. 2) God I am so tired of the perpetual foreigner trope. It doesn’t matter if you are born and raised here and can speak, read and write English better than a lot of white people (fight me on this one), some people will look at you and automatically assume you’re not American. Are we seriously still discussing this right now? 3) The sexualization of a woman, let alone a young woman, is deeply disturbing, esp. by a man who some said is old enough to be her father.
Re the comments: there are a few recurring themes in the comments that are SO textbook. Robin DiAngelo, the author of White Fragility, described her experience giving talks to groups of white people on anti-racism training and said this: “It’s so consistent and so patterned, it’s like a script; after a while you can just stand there and say, ‘I can predict what a white person is going to say right now.’” What’s basically happening in the comments of this post is that white people are arguing with each other--some who think the right result happened, and some who think that things went “too far.” Here are some of the common themes coming up from those in that latter camp:
- “He’s a good man!” / “He’s a firefighter and public servant!” / “I know the kind of person he is!” → POINT: We should see the offender here as an individual and look at the totality of who he is, including his good works. COUNTERPOINT: White people want to be seen as individuals but are constantly generalizing and stereotyping all people of color (white people clutching their purses when a black man approaches, black people being followed in stores, Asians are good at math, etc.) Ironic, right? Because what did Jack Peters do? Oh that’s right, he took one look at that woman and insinuated in the joke that because she is an Asian woman, she’s a massage parlor prostitute. Also, the fact that he’s in public service is not supporting your argument. The onus is HIGHER on public servants to do the right thing because they need to have the trust of the public to do their work effectively. Don’t you see how this has come full circle from the poster expressing anger at the police?
- “This isn’t the town we grew up in!” → POINT: Things have gotten worse in our town based on this incident. COUNTERPOINT: Code words for the good ol’ days when white people could say what they wanted without consequence, and accountability for racism didn’t exist.
- “We all get emotional!” / “It was one mistake!” / “Get over it!” / “That’s not who he is.” → POINT: No one’s perfect, so he should be given a pass. It wasn’t that bad. He’s not really racist. Racism is not a big problem. COUNTERPOINT: A common tactic that denies the severity of a racist act and also minimizes the impact of that act on people of color. It’s telling people of color how to feel when confronted with racism, aka whitesplaining. The “That’s not who he is” is particularly laughable to me. If you’re able to make that kind of comment casually on Facebook, that is exactly who you are. You aren’t a racist on Facebook who is anti-racist in real life. There is an acronym used in psychology called DARVO. It’s a tactic people use where they: 1) Deny, 2) Attack, 3) Reverse Victim and Offender. This is the “deny” piece.
- “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” / “This is a witch hunt!” → POINT: This is an overreaction and we should not have to deal with this. You are not good people. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “attack” piece. Attacking the people who are trying to hold someone accountable.
- “He should not have had to lose his job!” / “Poor Jack!” / “This has turned into a lynch mob! (No, really. Someone said that. Ugh.) POINT: We are the victims. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “reverse victim and offender” piece of DARVO, making the offender out to be the victim. Quick fact check here: no one fired him. He resigned voluntarily.
While it is not the responsibility of people of color to take on the labor of educating white folks about their own racism, I needed to work this out for myself. A couple thoughts to close this out: 1. I am so disappointed in what I saw on that Facebook post, but maybe it was good to see the ugliness exposed so we can be reminded of what we’re dealing with. We ALL need to do the really hard, uncomfortable work of rooting out the racism in us and addressing it, but white people especially because white supremacy was built for them at the expense of people of color. It’s a problem when we’re still often at the very first stage of trying to get people to acknowledge that racism exists at all. 2. I am a pessimist at heart, but I also want to celebrate the many successes that have happened since the protests started, like Louisville passing Breonna’s Law which bans no-knock warrants and many cities redirecting funds from the police budget to services for health, homelessness, youth, education, etc. 3. There is no middle ground here. You have to make a decision as to which side you’re on. And if you don’t pick, it’s been picked for you.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Jonah's Ultimate Guide to Thomas & Friends
You wouldn't believe how many times I get asked questions about Thomas & Friends toys by virtue of the expert residing in my house (or if you've been over, you probably would believe it since our living room = Thomasland). It has happened so many times that I think it's about time I write a blog post on what Jonah knows to help his fellow budding Thomas enthusiasts, esp. with Christmas coming up soon.
This blog post would be pages and pages long if we reviewed all the different types of Thomas toys out there, so we're going to focus on five types of Thomas toys that we're familiar with. Generally, we buy the trains from Target, Fisher Price or Walmart.
1. Mega Bloks Thomas: This is a great toy for the little ones (the box says ages 2-5). They're Lego-like but much bigger (similar to the size of Lego's Duplo toys). There are a few different sets but Jonah has this one, the Happy Birthday Thomas set (also comes with Percy).
Jonah's review: the best part is the Sodor Sweet Shoppe angles forward to slide out presents!
link: https://www.amazon.com/Mega-Bloks-Friends-Birthday-Building/dp/B00U26LNH6/
2. Fisher Price Take N Play Thomas: These are the first real Thomas trains Jonah got into at around 20 months old. They are made of die-cast metal and have magnets at the front and back to connect the trains (first picture below). However, these have been discontinued. If you go to the Fisher Price website, they seem to have been replaced by the Thomas and Friends Adventures series, which are also die-cast but made of plastic, and instead of magnetic connectors have hook connectors (second picture below). You can still find Take N Play trains online but obviously whatever's in stock is it; there won't be any new ones made. Take N Play/Adventures trains start at $5 and can go up to $15 depending on the size of the train and whether the train comes with tenders and add-ons. There are lots of sets available as well. Some sets come with tracks and various buildings/locations within Sodor (i.e., Knapford Station, Tidmouth Sheds, Misty Island, etc.).
Jonah’s review: the best part is the magnets so you can connect them together!
3. Fisher Price Wood Thomas: This is the next set of Thomas trains that Jonah got into. They were originally called "Wooden Railway" but have gone through a redesign and are now just called "Wood." You can see the difference in appearance below--the first one is original Wooden Railway Thomas, second is the newly redesigned Wood Thomas:
4. Fisher Price Trackmaster: These are the motorized, battery-powered Thomas trains. This is what Jonah has been most into the past year. According to Jonah, most take AAA batteries but a couple are AA. These are the largest trains. They have their own tracks as well, which are not compatible with any other types of trains. These range from about $9 to $20. Jonah wanted me to point out that his favorite type of Trackmaster is the "Hyper Glow" ones that glow in the dark.
One important point to note (for all these types of trains) is that not every character is readily available (or made at all). And if you know Thomas world at all, there are SO MANY trains. So hopefully your kid is happy with whatever you find online or at the store. However. Jonah asked for a Trackmaster Henry, and when we couldn't find it anywhere, we had to resort to eBay (and spend $30 on it...). That was his birthday present. Sometimes you can get lucky at the brick and mortar Target and find odd trains (like oh hi there Hiro), but usually they stick to the basics like Thomas, Gordon, Emily, Percy, etc.
Jonah's review: I love that you can add a lot of tenders and the trains will still go!
5. Fisher Price Mini Thomas: Last but not least are the minis. If you haven't already noticed, the tiny toys are really popular lately. They come in individual pouches like the one below:
...and it's a mystery as to which one you'll get (I think they're called blind bags). We often get suckered into buying one of these for the kids at Target whether it's Thomas, Trolls, My Little Pony, Shopkins, etc. The minis also come in bigger packs (where you can see what you're getting) like 3-pack, 5-pack, 30-pack. Some are also glow in the dark. I read somewhere that there are over 70 of them. Here's Jonah with one of his mini carrying cases that carries 14 (he has way more than that...):
This blog post would be pages and pages long if we reviewed all the different types of Thomas toys out there, so we're going to focus on five types of Thomas toys that we're familiar with. Generally, we buy the trains from Target, Fisher Price or Walmart.
1. Mega Bloks Thomas: This is a great toy for the little ones (the box says ages 2-5). They're Lego-like but much bigger (similar to the size of Lego's Duplo toys). There are a few different sets but Jonah has this one, the Happy Birthday Thomas set (also comes with Percy).
Jonah's review: the best part is the Sodor Sweet Shoppe angles forward to slide out presents!
link: https://www.amazon.com/Mega-Bloks-Friends-Birthday-Building/dp/B00U26LNH6/
2. Fisher Price Take N Play Thomas: These are the first real Thomas trains Jonah got into at around 20 months old. They are made of die-cast metal and have magnets at the front and back to connect the trains (first picture below). However, these have been discontinued. If you go to the Fisher Price website, they seem to have been replaced by the Thomas and Friends Adventures series, which are also die-cast but made of plastic, and instead of magnetic connectors have hook connectors (second picture below). You can still find Take N Play trains online but obviously whatever's in stock is it; there won't be any new ones made. Take N Play/Adventures trains start at $5 and can go up to $15 depending on the size of the train and whether the train comes with tenders and add-ons. There are lots of sets available as well. Some sets come with tracks and various buildings/locations within Sodor (i.e., Knapford Station, Tidmouth Sheds, Misty Island, etc.).
Jonah’s review: the best part is the magnets so you can connect them together!
The wooden trains are generally the most expensive. The old Wooden Railway trains usually started at around $14 and ran up to $30+. The Wooden Railway Cranky the crane was $60! The new "Wood" series seems to be more affordable. Like the old Take N Play, you can still find some Wooden Railway trains online but it'll get harder and harder. If you want Wooden Railway trains, I'd check eBay or Craigslist. Jonah was the lucky recipient of most of his Wooden Railway trains from his uncle Ryan who had outgrown them (and who is only 4 years older than him haha).
The wooden and die-cast trains cannot be used on the same tracks. The die-cast trains have plastic tracks that are slightly narrower, and the wooden trains use wooden tracks. The good news is the wooden Thomas tracks are the same size as generic ones so you can save money buying generic. Jonah has a train table for his wooden trains and tracks. We got it a couple years ago on Walmart. If you do some searching you can find ones for under $100.
Jonah's review: I love that they fit on the wooden tracks!
One important point to note (for all these types of trains) is that not every character is readily available (or made at all). And if you know Thomas world at all, there are SO MANY trains. So hopefully your kid is happy with whatever you find online or at the store. However. Jonah asked for a Trackmaster Henry, and when we couldn't find it anywhere, we had to resort to eBay (and spend $30 on it...). That was his birthday present. Sometimes you can get lucky at the brick and mortar Target and find odd trains (like oh hi there Hiro), but usually they stick to the basics like Thomas, Gordon, Emily, Percy, etc.
Jonah's review: I love that you can add a lot of tenders and the trains will still go!
5. Fisher Price Mini Thomas: Last but not least are the minis. If you haven't already noticed, the tiny toys are really popular lately. They come in individual pouches like the one below:
...and it's a mystery as to which one you'll get (I think they're called blind bags). We often get suckered into buying one of these for the kids at Target whether it's Thomas, Trolls, My Little Pony, Shopkins, etc. The minis also come in bigger packs (where you can see what you're getting) like 3-pack, 5-pack, 30-pack. Some are also glow in the dark. I read somewhere that there are over 70 of them. Here's Jonah with one of his mini carrying cases that carries 14 (he has way more than that...):
The minis also have hooks so you can connect them. As far as I know, they don't make traditional tracks for minis but they do have sets like the one below:
Jonah's review: when the minis do the blue loop-de-loop on the set above--that's the best!
The Fisher Price site has an overview of all the Thomas toys they offer: https://www.fisher-price.com/en_US/brands/thomasandfriends/index.html
Hope this helps! You can thank Jonah's obsession for this post. If you have questions, let me know. I will direct them to the expert.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Resolution: Minimalism
One of my new year's resolutions is to embrace minimalism. This isn't a new topic--I'm always thinking about it in the back of my mind. But I decided that instead of it just being a nagging thought or a nebulous "wouldn't that be nice" (or an every-few-months freak-out where the crap literally drives me bonkers and I go into frenzied purging mode), I wanted to finally take some real steps to make it a thoughtful and sustainable model, one that becomes a part of my everyday life (and the family's).
At heart, I am truly a minimalist. When I see pictures online of sparse Scandinavian homes, I want to throw out everything in my house and live in a bright white box with a pretty white table and a white sofa (with a wool gray blanket perfectly draped over it). I want to have nothing. I am also very adversely affected by visual clutter. At work, if my desk is cluttered or dirty I can't get work done. My coworkers make fun of me for constantly attacking my desk with wet wipes. I often think about my advisor in college, Prof. Rabkin. I loved him as an advisor--the man is brilliant, funny, irreverent--but that man's office was so. cluttered. and. messy. When we had meetings, he would say "come on in!" and then literally knock over a tower of 15 books teetering on a chair so I could sit down. I would sit in our meeting silently in horror, stealing glances at the 15 books now flung all over the floor.
I'm a minimalist when it comes to possessions too. For the longest time, especially as a young working woman, I thought I needed to accessorize with different jewelry every day to look put together, so I'd go online or to the mall and buy fun costume jewelry here and there. But I ended up almost never wearing them. They'd just collect dust on the necklace tree in the corner of the bedroom. Every morning, I would instead default to the same earrings, the same necklace, the same bracelet, the same watch and my wedding ring--and what I really mean by that is I just never took any of it off, because I always sleep with all my jewelry on except the bracelet and watch. None of it was costume jewelry--they were all real gold or silver jewelry. Once I realized this about myself, I stopped buying costume jewelry entirely. I've come to realize that I don't do well with too many choices. I like wearing the same jewelry every day. I have a closet full of clothes but wear the same few sweaters in the winter, and the same t-shirts in the summer. I have about 5 nice bags but I use the same one every day. (Tangent: I also hate going to diners and Cheesecake Factory because the menus have a gajillion items.) Despite knowing this, I buy things. Why? I think it's the fun of the hunt. I think it's retail therapy. I think it's buying into the lie of consumerism. The worst part is the cycle that follows: you have too much stuff, so you go and spend more money on ways to organize the stuff, but the stuff eventually wins and takes over, then you stress about it, then you purge. Rinse and repeat. I read this quote somewhere: "Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly." -- Epictetus. Wuuut. So on point!
The following are some concrete steps I'm taking to to pursue minimalism. None of these are purely my own ideas--I've been doing a lot of reading and writing down tips I find helpful and adding my own thoughts to them.
1. Define your minimalism. Every person has his/her own idea of what minimalism looks like. I'm working on articulating and honing my version of minimalism.
The broad goals (the "what") I have written down so far are:
- to have less stuff of better quality in my house
- to buy less stuff overall
- to spend less money on stuff
The reasons (the "why") are:
- to free up more money and time to spend on people and causes and experiences and travel
- to simplify my life and have better focus on the important things
- to make the house less cluttered, and easier to clean, which means less time spent cleaning too
I'm never going to be the extreme minimalist I describe above, which is ok. But I want to find my happy equilibrium of minimalism.
2. Take inventory. Go through all your stuff, by type. For clothes/shoes/bags/etc., it can be helpful to write down what you have. Sometimes, you have so much crap that the good stuff is buried with the bad stuff and you forget you have it. Keep what you want to keep, declutter and get rid of the stuff you don't want (point 3 below) and make a shopping list of anything you don't have but really, actually need. This helps you to better use the stuff you do keep. I recently heard about an app called Stylebook and I want to try it out. It lets you upload pictures of your clothes, and then it puts together outfits for you. Sometimes I think good outfits are in my closet, I just don't have the mental energy to sit there and figure out what goes well with what.
3. Get rid of it. I've been on a mission getting rid of the clutter around the house. So far, I've done the kids' rooms, the linen closet, the kitchen and my closet. I still have to do the basement (uyyyy), my bedroom and the kids' toys (never ends...). Guidelines are, get rid of it if: a) I haven't used it in a while (other than seasonal items or occasionally-used items like tents or sports gear, unless it's really not getting used at all), b) it doesn't fit (you mean I won't ever again fit into that suit I bought when I was 24?), c) it's not in good shape and can't be easily repaired or d) my tastes have changed and I just don't like it anymore. I sell or donate the items in good condition, and the rest is thrown out. I use the Poshmark app to sell clothes/shoes/bags/accessories (I've made close to $1000 on there, but if I think about how much I spent on those items originally...ugh). If you and your friends are similar sizes, you can do a clothing/shoes swap. Size doesn't matter for accessories and anything else--home wares, kitchen stuff, kids' stuff, even furniture, etc. It's a good way to get more use out of the item and keep things out of landfills. Tip: do not get rid of toys when kids are home or awake. All of a sudden, that toy that was buried at the bottom of the toy chest for 6 months is "my favorite and I have to keep it!" Do it at night...with wine and George Michael.
4. Quality over quantity. When you actually need something, try to get something that's good quality and that will last. This obviously doesn't apply to everything, but clothes and shoes, I'm looking at you. I am as guilty as anyone of loving fast fashion. It's cheap and it's non-committal. It's also wreaking havoc on our environment, taking advantage of/abusing cheap labor and causing our landfills to overflow. I'm actually going to try to keep clothing purchases to a minimum in 2017 (I didn't say shoes right........), but if I do need something, I'm going to try to buy better quality, less quantity. There's a freedom that comes with this point--if you're buying less stuff, you can afford to spend more on each item, instead of constantly feeling the need to search for bargains. I'm also researching brands that are socially and environmentally conscious--if you know of good ones, let me know. Some people are going the "capsule wardrobe" route--which sounds nice but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Maybe one day.
5. Repair and reuse, if possible. Let's be honest. There are certain things in your house that are broken and you KNOW you will not get around to fixing them, or you don't know how to fix them. And so they just sit there in the corner of your basement/kitchen/garage/etc. collecting dust and silently nagging at you. If you know it's not going to get fixed, and it's not worth the money or time to do it, just get rid of it. But. I bought a sewing machine (last year...it's still in the box...) because I want to learn how to sew. If I buy good quality clothes and they need small repairs, I want to be able to repair them myself on the sewing machine (again, once I learn how to use it). If the repair is harder, I can always go to my trusty tailor. For other non-clothing items, sometimes all you need is some superglue. Ask yourself, "can it be fixed?" before throwing it out and buying something new.
6. Don't buy organization items (furniture, bins, baskets, etc.) before you know exactly what you're organizing. Self-explanatory. I read this somewhere and I was like, "ugh why are you staring into my soul." I love organizing. It satisfies a deep need within me. I think it's genetic. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to visit my dad's office. It was, for a budding organization freak, heaven. His desk was spotless. All his paper files were paper clipped in the exact same spot (an inch in from the left), and then perfectly stacked. I would go and take it all in, and sometimes for fun I would reorganize it.
7. If you need something, see if you can borrow it instead of buying it. Ask friends and family if they can lend you an item. If you need it once, and you borrow it and then return it, awesome--you didn't bring an extra item in your house and you didn't spend money. If you find that you need it often and are borrowing it often, it's a good sign that maybe you should buy the item.
8. Don't bring it into the house unless it's actually necessary/be zealous for your home/ask yourself 'do I need it?' multiple times. I read something a while ago that really helped me with this: we call all this collective stuff "clutter"--but it's not like it magically appeared in my house one day. I consciously brought it in. That really re-framed the way I thought about it. Why do we act like we are powerless in the fight against clutter--why are we resigned to it as our certain fate? This includes things we buy, but it can also include gifts and things you were given for free. It's simple, but hard. It does not come in the house unless you actually need it. This stops the cycle of getting and purging before it starts.
Be zealous for your home. Bring in things that are worthy to be in your house and live with you. Set the bar high so you're not buying or bringing home random crap. I think Marie Kondo uses the question "does it spark joy?" This doesn't apply to everything, and every blog post on Kondo inevitably has that commenter: "Does my vegetable peeler or jump cables spark joy for me? No but I need them." (eye roll) It obviously has its limits--apply it as you see fit.
Ask yourself "do I need this?" multiple times before buying something. One way I do this is to go online shopping, fill the cart, and then close the window. I mull over the item for a day or two. If I really think I need it, then I'll buy it. If not, I won't. I read that the act of shopping online and putting items in the virtual cart brings us the same satisfaction as actually buying the item (in other words, it's really about the hunt). I don't know if that's always true, but it makes sense.
9. Remember that minimalism is a means to an end. People embrace minimalism because they need a change in their lives. The worship of stuff is not working out--so they use minimalism as a way out. The funny thing is minimalism can also become a problem, if you end up worshiping it. It is a means to an end, but if you make it the end, you'll still be left stressed out because it won't satisfy you or solve your issues. I realize I do this--it's the classic "create order and gain control of your life when there otherwise isn't any order/control" move. When I'm stressed, I clean the house or I get rid of stuff or I organize or I make to-do lists. My house might be cleaner and neater (and my to-do list done), but I don't feel any different. I'm decluttering my house when I should be decluttering my life (so deep!). Usually, what I really need in that moment is to sit down, take a deep breath, be quiet, think, pray and listen to God. Minimalism won't satisfy you--it is a tool to help you get to a place where you are more satisfied. I think there's a very good reason that convents and monasteries are so sparse. Cut the crap, see the important stuff.
Is anyone else working on minimalism? Help me! Give me your tips and good ideas.
At heart, I am truly a minimalist. When I see pictures online of sparse Scandinavian homes, I want to throw out everything in my house and live in a bright white box with a pretty white table and a white sofa (with a wool gray blanket perfectly draped over it). I want to have nothing. I am also very adversely affected by visual clutter. At work, if my desk is cluttered or dirty I can't get work done. My coworkers make fun of me for constantly attacking my desk with wet wipes. I often think about my advisor in college, Prof. Rabkin. I loved him as an advisor--the man is brilliant, funny, irreverent--but that man's office was so. cluttered. and. messy. When we had meetings, he would say "come on in!" and then literally knock over a tower of 15 books teetering on a chair so I could sit down. I would sit in our meeting silently in horror, stealing glances at the 15 books now flung all over the floor.
I'm a minimalist when it comes to possessions too. For the longest time, especially as a young working woman, I thought I needed to accessorize with different jewelry every day to look put together, so I'd go online or to the mall and buy fun costume jewelry here and there. But I ended up almost never wearing them. They'd just collect dust on the necklace tree in the corner of the bedroom. Every morning, I would instead default to the same earrings, the same necklace, the same bracelet, the same watch and my wedding ring--and what I really mean by that is I just never took any of it off, because I always sleep with all my jewelry on except the bracelet and watch. None of it was costume jewelry--they were all real gold or silver jewelry. Once I realized this about myself, I stopped buying costume jewelry entirely. I've come to realize that I don't do well with too many choices. I like wearing the same jewelry every day. I have a closet full of clothes but wear the same few sweaters in the winter, and the same t-shirts in the summer. I have about 5 nice bags but I use the same one every day. (Tangent: I also hate going to diners and Cheesecake Factory because the menus have a gajillion items.) Despite knowing this, I buy things. Why? I think it's the fun of the hunt. I think it's retail therapy. I think it's buying into the lie of consumerism. The worst part is the cycle that follows: you have too much stuff, so you go and spend more money on ways to organize the stuff, but the stuff eventually wins and takes over, then you stress about it, then you purge. Rinse and repeat. I read this quote somewhere: "Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly." -- Epictetus. Wuuut. So on point!
The following are some concrete steps I'm taking to to pursue minimalism. None of these are purely my own ideas--I've been doing a lot of reading and writing down tips I find helpful and adding my own thoughts to them.
1. Define your minimalism. Every person has his/her own idea of what minimalism looks like. I'm working on articulating and honing my version of minimalism.
The broad goals (the "what") I have written down so far are:
- to have less stuff of better quality in my house
- to buy less stuff overall
- to spend less money on stuff
The reasons (the "why") are:
- to free up more money and time to spend on people and causes and experiences and travel
- to simplify my life and have better focus on the important things
- to make the house less cluttered, and easier to clean, which means less time spent cleaning too
I'm never going to be the extreme minimalist I describe above, which is ok. But I want to find my happy equilibrium of minimalism.
2. Take inventory. Go through all your stuff, by type. For clothes/shoes/bags/etc., it can be helpful to write down what you have. Sometimes, you have so much crap that the good stuff is buried with the bad stuff and you forget you have it. Keep what you want to keep, declutter and get rid of the stuff you don't want (point 3 below) and make a shopping list of anything you don't have but really, actually need. This helps you to better use the stuff you do keep. I recently heard about an app called Stylebook and I want to try it out. It lets you upload pictures of your clothes, and then it puts together outfits for you. Sometimes I think good outfits are in my closet, I just don't have the mental energy to sit there and figure out what goes well with what.
3. Get rid of it. I've been on a mission getting rid of the clutter around the house. So far, I've done the kids' rooms, the linen closet, the kitchen and my closet. I still have to do the basement (uyyyy), my bedroom and the kids' toys (never ends...). Guidelines are, get rid of it if: a) I haven't used it in a while (other than seasonal items or occasionally-used items like tents or sports gear, unless it's really not getting used at all), b) it doesn't fit (you mean I won't ever again fit into that suit I bought when I was 24?), c) it's not in good shape and can't be easily repaired or d) my tastes have changed and I just don't like it anymore. I sell or donate the items in good condition, and the rest is thrown out. I use the Poshmark app to sell clothes/shoes/bags/accessories (I've made close to $1000 on there, but if I think about how much I spent on those items originally...ugh). If you and your friends are similar sizes, you can do a clothing/shoes swap. Size doesn't matter for accessories and anything else--home wares, kitchen stuff, kids' stuff, even furniture, etc. It's a good way to get more use out of the item and keep things out of landfills. Tip: do not get rid of toys when kids are home or awake. All of a sudden, that toy that was buried at the bottom of the toy chest for 6 months is "my favorite and I have to keep it!" Do it at night...with wine and George Michael.
4. Quality over quantity. When you actually need something, try to get something that's good quality and that will last. This obviously doesn't apply to everything, but clothes and shoes, I'm looking at you. I am as guilty as anyone of loving fast fashion. It's cheap and it's non-committal. It's also wreaking havoc on our environment, taking advantage of/abusing cheap labor and causing our landfills to overflow. I'm actually going to try to keep clothing purchases to a minimum in 2017 (I didn't say shoes right........), but if I do need something, I'm going to try to buy better quality, less quantity. There's a freedom that comes with this point--if you're buying less stuff, you can afford to spend more on each item, instead of constantly feeling the need to search for bargains. I'm also researching brands that are socially and environmentally conscious--if you know of good ones, let me know. Some people are going the "capsule wardrobe" route--which sounds nice but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Maybe one day.
5. Repair and reuse, if possible. Let's be honest. There are certain things in your house that are broken and you KNOW you will not get around to fixing them, or you don't know how to fix them. And so they just sit there in the corner of your basement/kitchen/garage/etc. collecting dust and silently nagging at you. If you know it's not going to get fixed, and it's not worth the money or time to do it, just get rid of it. But. I bought a sewing machine (last year...it's still in the box...) because I want to learn how to sew. If I buy good quality clothes and they need small repairs, I want to be able to repair them myself on the sewing machine (again, once I learn how to use it). If the repair is harder, I can always go to my trusty tailor. For other non-clothing items, sometimes all you need is some superglue. Ask yourself, "can it be fixed?" before throwing it out and buying something new.
6. Don't buy organization items (furniture, bins, baskets, etc.) before you know exactly what you're organizing. Self-explanatory. I read this somewhere and I was like, "ugh why are you staring into my soul." I love organizing. It satisfies a deep need within me. I think it's genetic. One of my favorite things to do as a kid was to visit my dad's office. It was, for a budding organization freak, heaven. His desk was spotless. All his paper files were paper clipped in the exact same spot (an inch in from the left), and then perfectly stacked. I would go and take it all in, and sometimes for fun I would reorganize it.
7. If you need something, see if you can borrow it instead of buying it. Ask friends and family if they can lend you an item. If you need it once, and you borrow it and then return it, awesome--you didn't bring an extra item in your house and you didn't spend money. If you find that you need it often and are borrowing it often, it's a good sign that maybe you should buy the item.
8. Don't bring it into the house unless it's actually necessary/be zealous for your home/ask yourself 'do I need it?' multiple times. I read something a while ago that really helped me with this: we call all this collective stuff "clutter"--but it's not like it magically appeared in my house one day. I consciously brought it in. That really re-framed the way I thought about it. Why do we act like we are powerless in the fight against clutter--why are we resigned to it as our certain fate? This includes things we buy, but it can also include gifts and things you were given for free. It's simple, but hard. It does not come in the house unless you actually need it. This stops the cycle of getting and purging before it starts.
Be zealous for your home. Bring in things that are worthy to be in your house and live with you. Set the bar high so you're not buying or bringing home random crap. I think Marie Kondo uses the question "does it spark joy?" This doesn't apply to everything, and every blog post on Kondo inevitably has that commenter: "Does my vegetable peeler or jump cables spark joy for me? No but I need them." (eye roll) It obviously has its limits--apply it as you see fit.
Ask yourself "do I need this?" multiple times before buying something. One way I do this is to go online shopping, fill the cart, and then close the window. I mull over the item for a day or two. If I really think I need it, then I'll buy it. If not, I won't. I read that the act of shopping online and putting items in the virtual cart brings us the same satisfaction as actually buying the item (in other words, it's really about the hunt). I don't know if that's always true, but it makes sense.
9. Remember that minimalism is a means to an end. People embrace minimalism because they need a change in their lives. The worship of stuff is not working out--so they use minimalism as a way out. The funny thing is minimalism can also become a problem, if you end up worshiping it. It is a means to an end, but if you make it the end, you'll still be left stressed out because it won't satisfy you or solve your issues. I realize I do this--it's the classic "create order and gain control of your life when there otherwise isn't any order/control" move. When I'm stressed, I clean the house or I get rid of stuff or I organize or I make to-do lists. My house might be cleaner and neater (and my to-do list done), but I don't feel any different. I'm decluttering my house when I should be decluttering my life (so deep!). Usually, what I really need in that moment is to sit down, take a deep breath, be quiet, think, pray and listen to God. Minimalism won't satisfy you--it is a tool to help you get to a place where you are more satisfied. I think there's a very good reason that convents and monasteries are so sparse. Cut the crap, see the important stuff.
Is anyone else working on minimalism? Help me! Give me your tips and good ideas.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Project: Raising Empathetic, Generous, Un-Entitled Kids
It's a topic that comes up a lot. It's written about a lot. Here's the latest one for your reading pleasure: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/how-to-raise-kinder-less-entitled-kids-according-to-science/2016/10/03/1a74fa3a-7525-11e6-b786-19d0cb1ed06c_story.html
I think about this a lot. I generally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to this (or parenting in general, tbh) so I wanted to document what I've done so far and what I want to do in the future, so I can come back here, see where things have progressed well or not so well, and adjust accordingly. I also want to ask other parents what you do to raise empathetic, generous, un-entitled kids. Please share your awesome ideas with me. See? Sometimes the internet IS good for something other than looking up those burning but completely inconsequential questions that come to you just as you're about to fall asleep (like "are grizzly bears and black bears the same thing?") (btw, no, they're not).
I really liked the article above because it provides some psychological background as to why kids are the way they are. And it also gives some solid, practical ways for parents to help their kids better understand the world around them and in that process, hopefully become un-entitled. I've been reading A Path Appears and it actually quoted the same book about how we are more eager to help an individual in need than a faceless many. And I say things like "L! So many kids don't even have enough food to eat so eat that green vegetable!" or "L! You don't need any more Shopkins--some kids don't have any Shopkins!" but I feel like that doesn't really do much for the cause. Who are these so-called "kids" anyway, mom? And truth-be-told, I have, in fact, become my mom because she used to mention the poor African kids all the time as a way to combat our entitlement, and now I'm doing the same thing even though as a kid all I did was roll my eyes. After reading that chapter in A Path Appears, I decided that I wanted to give L concrete examples of how others are less fortunate than her, with a hope that it will instill in her a deep sense of gratitude as well as a tireless drive to help others. I signed up to sponsor a child through World Vision. I actually thought long and hard about the child we should sponsor. At first, I thought maybe we should sponsor a child in Africa, because the need seems particularly great there. But I ended up sponsoring a child from the Philippines. I did this because I wanted to show her the child and say, "look, here's a girl in the Philippines who's your age, she likes stickers like you, she even looks sort of like you, and yet her life is dramatically different than yours." We looked at her pictures together and read her profile that tells where she lives, what she likes, who's in her family, etc. and I could see L getting more and more interested. Just like the story in the article (where the guy's kids are excitedly shopping for two needy kids for Christmas), the WV child's birthday is coming up so L and I went to Target a couple weeks ago and L was way more excited to pick out gifts for her than she usually is for her own gifts.
As the kids get older, I want to make it a part of our lives to regularly and routinely volunteer. If you know of organizations that welcome little volunteers, please let me know. I know soup kitchens and food pantries can use kids for serving, sorting, etc. But knowing J, we might have to wait until he is 16.
I've been praying a lot that my kids would grow up to become people who are marked by humility, empathy and generosity. And you know how it is--raising children is often a very honest, unforgiving mirror of our own lives (and apparently I have one of those mirror mirrors that talks back to you because L will call me out so fast if I exhibit less than exemplary behavior). It challenges me to live my life in a way that exemplifies all these traits that I want to instill in her, because they're watching us all the time, like little stalkers. Well I was away on business the past two days, and when I got home, SH told me that last night, before bed, L prayed for the WV child. She remembered her name, remembered that she's from the Philippines, and said "God, please help my friend J in the Philippines who doesn't have a lot of things." That really melted my heart.
One big thesis of A Path Appears is that the government spends so much money for things later on in life (welfare, prison, etc.), but if even a fraction of that money were spent on babies and toddlers and preschoolers for programs like subsidized childcare, education for poor parents on the benefits of talking to and reading to their children, visiting nurse services to help poor mothers learn how to breastfeed and care for their children, etc., we would, by investing in people from the very beginning, radically change our country (if you can't tell already, I'm a big fan of this book--go buy it and read it). Maybe it won't happen in the near future, but for those of us who are fortunate enough to worry about raising un-entitled children, we have the opportunity to shape our country's future by raising those kids who will then become the adults who will fight for these causes, especially on behalf of those who can't fight for themselves. The world is going through a lot right now. I find myself feeling so sad on a regular basis after reading the news. We often bemoan to each other, "what kind of world will it be when our kids are grown up?" But the funny thing about that statement (which I admittedly say all the time) is that, it sort of makes our kids seem like passive inhabitants and inheritors of this world. But that doesn't have to be and shouldn't be the case. They can make their world better, and I think we as parents have the responsibility to raise them to be the citizens who will make their world better. It's a tall order, but it's also a really noble and privileged one. And please, remind me I said that last sentence when L complains about how her tutu doesn't have enough sequins.
I think about this a lot. I generally have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to this (or parenting in general, tbh) so I wanted to document what I've done so far and what I want to do in the future, so I can come back here, see where things have progressed well or not so well, and adjust accordingly. I also want to ask other parents what you do to raise empathetic, generous, un-entitled kids. Please share your awesome ideas with me. See? Sometimes the internet IS good for something other than looking up those burning but completely inconsequential questions that come to you just as you're about to fall asleep (like "are grizzly bears and black bears the same thing?") (btw, no, they're not).
I really liked the article above because it provides some psychological background as to why kids are the way they are. And it also gives some solid, practical ways for parents to help their kids better understand the world around them and in that process, hopefully become un-entitled. I've been reading A Path Appears and it actually quoted the same book about how we are more eager to help an individual in need than a faceless many. And I say things like "L! So many kids don't even have enough food to eat so eat that green vegetable!" or "L! You don't need any more Shopkins--some kids don't have any Shopkins!" but I feel like that doesn't really do much for the cause. Who are these so-called "kids" anyway, mom? And truth-be-told, I have, in fact, become my mom because she used to mention the poor African kids all the time as a way to combat our entitlement, and now I'm doing the same thing even though as a kid all I did was roll my eyes. After reading that chapter in A Path Appears, I decided that I wanted to give L concrete examples of how others are less fortunate than her, with a hope that it will instill in her a deep sense of gratitude as well as a tireless drive to help others. I signed up to sponsor a child through World Vision. I actually thought long and hard about the child we should sponsor. At first, I thought maybe we should sponsor a child in Africa, because the need seems particularly great there. But I ended up sponsoring a child from the Philippines. I did this because I wanted to show her the child and say, "look, here's a girl in the Philippines who's your age, she likes stickers like you, she even looks sort of like you, and yet her life is dramatically different than yours." We looked at her pictures together and read her profile that tells where she lives, what she likes, who's in her family, etc. and I could see L getting more and more interested. Just like the story in the article (where the guy's kids are excitedly shopping for two needy kids for Christmas), the WV child's birthday is coming up so L and I went to Target a couple weeks ago and L was way more excited to pick out gifts for her than she usually is for her own gifts.
As the kids get older, I want to make it a part of our lives to regularly and routinely volunteer. If you know of organizations that welcome little volunteers, please let me know. I know soup kitchens and food pantries can use kids for serving, sorting, etc. But knowing J, we might have to wait until he is 16.
I've been praying a lot that my kids would grow up to become people who are marked by humility, empathy and generosity. And you know how it is--raising children is often a very honest, unforgiving mirror of our own lives (and apparently I have one of those mirror mirrors that talks back to you because L will call me out so fast if I exhibit less than exemplary behavior). It challenges me to live my life in a way that exemplifies all these traits that I want to instill in her, because they're watching us all the time, like little stalkers. Well I was away on business the past two days, and when I got home, SH told me that last night, before bed, L prayed for the WV child. She remembered her name, remembered that she's from the Philippines, and said "God, please help my friend J in the Philippines who doesn't have a lot of things." That really melted my heart.
One big thesis of A Path Appears is that the government spends so much money for things later on in life (welfare, prison, etc.), but if even a fraction of that money were spent on babies and toddlers and preschoolers for programs like subsidized childcare, education for poor parents on the benefits of talking to and reading to their children, visiting nurse services to help poor mothers learn how to breastfeed and care for their children, etc., we would, by investing in people from the very beginning, radically change our country (if you can't tell already, I'm a big fan of this book--go buy it and read it). Maybe it won't happen in the near future, but for those of us who are fortunate enough to worry about raising un-entitled children, we have the opportunity to shape our country's future by raising those kids who will then become the adults who will fight for these causes, especially on behalf of those who can't fight for themselves. The world is going through a lot right now. I find myself feeling so sad on a regular basis after reading the news. We often bemoan to each other, "what kind of world will it be when our kids are grown up?" But the funny thing about that statement (which I admittedly say all the time) is that, it sort of makes our kids seem like passive inhabitants and inheritors of this world. But that doesn't have to be and shouldn't be the case. They can make their world better, and I think we as parents have the responsibility to raise them to be the citizens who will make their world better. It's a tall order, but it's also a really noble and privileged one. And please, remind me I said that last sentence when L complains about how her tutu doesn't have enough sequins.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Away in CT
I can't believe I haven't posted in over a year and a half. Where has the time gone? I think it was mostly spent on my hands and knees picking up cheerios and other crumbs of unknown origin off my floor. Seriously. The day after the cleaning lady comes, you'd never know she came by. -_-
Blogger.com used to be blocked at work and let's be honest, work is where I used to write most of my posts: during my lunch break, or my Starbucks coffee break, or my Starbucks Marshmallow Dream Bar break. But today I checked the site, just cuz, and for some reason, it's not blocked anymore. Maybe I will start blogging more regularly. I used to be a dedicated journaler in my younger days, but it's so hard to find time to do that now because see cheerios above. But I find that I love going back and reading old posts and remember things I forgot. I'll read a post and say to myself, "wuuut, J used to be a little baby who didn't eat more than his big sister??" That kind of thing.
Well today I want to memorialize a big occasion. The hubs and I went away on our first overnight getaway ever since kids. At first, I kept saying "first overnight trip since J!" but no. It's since L. Our last overnight getaway was when I was a 36-weeks-pregnant-with-L beached whale and we stayed at a great little B&B (which has unfortunately since closed) near the Poconos. That was 2011. I know. [insert horror face emoji here] My mom and aunts are here, so we took advantage and went away two Sundays ago. SH planned the whole trip. If anyone is looking for a quick getaway (parents or not), the trip we did is a great weekend getaway from the NYC area.
Mystic CT
We drove up to Mystic CT and first had lunch at the Oyster Club. It is an adorable little restaurant. We had raw oysters, NE clam chowder (best I've ever had--I love NE clam chowder but most are too thick and creamy--this one had a touch of creaminess but was very light) and coconut lemongrass mussels OMG. I'm still thinking about them. The waitress brought the bowl of mussels out and I gasped. It was huge. I think we counted over 30 of them. I think SH wanted to guzzle the broth from the bowl. But he's not shameless so he did not. The brunch entree was good but it was too late to the game--after the oysters, the beer, the mussels, the soup...we were so full that we couldn't finish it.
After Oyster Club we walked over to the water, where there's a cute little downtown area with small shops. We got to see the drawbridge go up (I took a video of the whole thing for L who loved watching it) and we grabbed ice cream at Mystic Drawbridge Ice Cream. Also very good.
Mohegan Sun
Next we drove to Mohegan Sun which is about a 25 minute drive. We came here once but it was probably ten years ago. We originally tried to do a Fri-Sat trip, but the hotel was $400. So we checked other dates and Sun-Mon was $129. The price discrepancy is crazy.
We went to the pool, listened to a free concert (Junior Brown? SH recognized him), walked around, had a quiet dinner, had really good blueberry cheesecake for dessert, then watched TV in the room before passing out with no children nearby. It was pretty glorious. The next day we grabbed a quick breakfast and hung out at the hotel for a while before leaving around 11am.
We'll definitely do this trip again with kids sometime. I hear Mystic has a great aquarium. Also, I was pleasantly surprised by how the common areas of Mohegan Sun were not smoky. If you're not going through the casino, it's not bad at all. The kids would have so much fun at the big pool, and there's also a kids zone indoor playground.
On the drive up, I said "don't forget, we need to take a picture of us to commemorate this trip." SH said "yup." ...we forgot. We are so terrible at taking pictures of us. Maybe that's because as of today, SH and I have been together 12 years. -_- Where does the time go? umm...cheerios.
Blogger.com used to be blocked at work and let's be honest, work is where I used to write most of my posts: during my lunch break, or my Starbucks coffee break, or my Starbucks Marshmallow Dream Bar break. But today I checked the site, just cuz, and for some reason, it's not blocked anymore. Maybe I will start blogging more regularly. I used to be a dedicated journaler in my younger days, but it's so hard to find time to do that now because see cheerios above. But I find that I love going back and reading old posts and remember things I forgot. I'll read a post and say to myself, "wuuut, J used to be a little baby who didn't eat more than his big sister??" That kind of thing.
Well today I want to memorialize a big occasion. The hubs and I went away on our first overnight getaway ever since kids. At first, I kept saying "first overnight trip since J!" but no. It's since L. Our last overnight getaway was when I was a 36-weeks-pregnant-with-L beached whale and we stayed at a great little B&B (which has unfortunately since closed) near the Poconos. That was 2011. I know. [insert horror face emoji here] My mom and aunts are here, so we took advantage and went away two Sundays ago. SH planned the whole trip. If anyone is looking for a quick getaway (parents or not), the trip we did is a great weekend getaway from the NYC area.
Mystic CT
We drove up to Mystic CT and first had lunch at the Oyster Club. It is an adorable little restaurant. We had raw oysters, NE clam chowder (best I've ever had--I love NE clam chowder but most are too thick and creamy--this one had a touch of creaminess but was very light) and coconut lemongrass mussels OMG. I'm still thinking about them. The waitress brought the bowl of mussels out and I gasped. It was huge. I think we counted over 30 of them. I think SH wanted to guzzle the broth from the bowl. But he's not shameless so he did not. The brunch entree was good but it was too late to the game--after the oysters, the beer, the mussels, the soup...we were so full that we couldn't finish it.
After Oyster Club we walked over to the water, where there's a cute little downtown area with small shops. We got to see the drawbridge go up (I took a video of the whole thing for L who loved watching it) and we grabbed ice cream at Mystic Drawbridge Ice Cream. Also very good.
Mohegan Sun
Next we drove to Mohegan Sun which is about a 25 minute drive. We came here once but it was probably ten years ago. We originally tried to do a Fri-Sat trip, but the hotel was $400. So we checked other dates and Sun-Mon was $129. The price discrepancy is crazy.We went to the pool, listened to a free concert (Junior Brown? SH recognized him), walked around, had a quiet dinner, had really good blueberry cheesecake for dessert, then watched TV in the room before passing out with no children nearby. It was pretty glorious. The next day we grabbed a quick breakfast and hung out at the hotel for a while before leaving around 11am.
We'll definitely do this trip again with kids sometime. I hear Mystic has a great aquarium. Also, I was pleasantly surprised by how the common areas of Mohegan Sun were not smoky. If you're not going through the casino, it's not bad at all. The kids would have so much fun at the big pool, and there's also a kids zone indoor playground.
On the drive up, I said "don't forget, we need to take a picture of us to commemorate this trip." SH said "yup." ...we forgot. We are so terrible at taking pictures of us. Maybe that's because as of today, SH and I have been together 12 years. -_- Where does the time go? umm...cheerios.
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