Sorry, I couldn't resist. (Google the title if you don't know what I'm referring to.)
I've been thinking a lot about practice ever since I read somewhere that "anti-racism is a practice." When I first saw the phrase, I stopped and read it again. It sounded weird to me. I thought to myself, "But aren't you either one or the other, racist or not racist?" But as I read up on the topic, it made sense. Even if you're not actively racist, even if you truly believe that all people's lives are precious and you long for the day when people are treated truly equally regardless of their skin color or ethnicity or background, we all have prejudices, biases and thoughts that are based on race. We have all been racist. One part of anti-racism is undoing that type of thinking, and it's an ongoing practice. It's not a light switch you either flip on or off.
This made me think about other areas that require practice. For example, calm is a practice. Gratitude is a practice. Humility is a practice. But how often do we just attribute those traits as innate qualities that someone is born with? "Oh, she's so calm," or "He's always thankful and doesn't take things in life for granted." We'd like to believe those people are born with those traits. You know why? Because it lets us off the hook. I wasn't born [calm/grateful/humble/etc.], so it's not my fault. It's just not "who I am." In the Bible, we have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. No one is born with all these qualities perfectly developed; in fact, it's quite the opposite. Galatians talks about how we're born with qualities that go against the Spirit, like enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, etc. In other words, it takes practice to both build up these good qualities and to fight our destructive qualities.
The prevailing narrative in this country, however, is that it is one or the other--you're racist or you're not. And so people will often defend themselves to the ends of earth saying "I'm not racist!" Then what happens is the denial continues, and the difficult internal work people need to do doesn't get done. I think this is where education is so crucial, and I am hopeful that we are starting to see some tides shifting. We need to see the normalization of the truth that we are all flawed in our thinking and that we all see things based on race sometimes. We need to accept that this stuff is messy, nuanced and hard. We need to see people talking about these things openly, without judgment, without shame. We need to see change at both the structural level and the individual level. So individually, how do we do it? I am committing my family to this practice in a few ways: 1. I buy/borrow a lot of books for myself and for the kids. I think it's important to not only read books about civil rights, racism, discrimination, etc., but also books that celebrate people of color's lives just because they're amazing. It normalizes the success of people of every race. 2. We talk about it at home. I am proud that Lana and Jonah know so much more than I did when I was their age. 3. I seek out resources that help my education on the topic. 4. I donate to causes that are fighting racism. 5. I also do the above things for anti-sexism and anti-ableism, because they are different flavors of the same problem.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Unlearning
One particular concept has been persistently popping into my mind all week, a buzzword of the current times: unlearning.
To me, unlearning means questioning and getting curious about what we've learned, whether through 1) education (formal or informal) or 2) internalized experiences, mostly during childhood, and challenging ourselves to view it in a different light or maybe overturn it entirely based on new information. I think the reason why unlearning is so hard is because what we learned as a child frames our worldview. In other words, it is our reality, whether it’s true or not. I’m not judging that at all—all of us believe things that are true and not true. But what I am saying is that the process of unlearning is difficult as an adult because we’re altering the reality as we had known it. Sometimes, it also means admitting we were wrong or ignorant in the past.
I think this is why learning about systemic racism is so hard for most people who don’t have firsthand experience of it. I’m not making excuses for anyone, because there are many who are willfully ignorant. But if you haven't experienced it, and you haven't really been taught about it, then it's just not part of your reality.
I took a class in law school called Race and the Law. It was eye-opening. I remember discussions in class regarding the model minority myth and how damaging it is and how we as Asian-Americans sometimes benefit from these racist structures at the expense of Black, Hispanic or Native American people. It's hard to learn about this. It's an uncomfortable truth, but old "truths" needed to be unlearned and moved out to make space for it. That process includes asking myself, "How have I unwittingly contributed to systemic racism by my speech and actions, or by my silence and inaction?"
I feel like all those things you read these days encouraging people to push through the discomfort and keep going--it's addressing this process of unlearning. And I've noticed that there's one thing you always see with people who are actively unlearning: humility. They are humble, not proud. They are teachable, not inflexible. They readily admit their wrongs, instead of denying them. You can't unlearn without a humble attitude. And this is probably the hardest for White people because they will always be missing the "experience" part of the equation, but we Asian-Americans are guilty of it too. Being poc ourselves does not absolve us of problematic thinking or attitudes.
So let's be humble as we continue our process of unlearning. Let's be curious about our defensiveness and why we feel uncomfortable. Let's show our kids this process and model it for them. What if my kids could just learn it the first time, and never have to unlearn it? How would that impact this country in 20 years?
I feel like all those things you read these days encouraging people to push through the discomfort and keep going--it's addressing this process of unlearning. And I've noticed that there's one thing you always see with people who are actively unlearning: humility. They are humble, not proud. They are teachable, not inflexible. They readily admit their wrongs, instead of denying them. You can't unlearn without a humble attitude. And this is probably the hardest for White people because they will always be missing the "experience" part of the equation, but we Asian-Americans are guilty of it too. Being poc ourselves does not absolve us of problematic thinking or attitudes.
So let's be humble as we continue our process of unlearning. Let's be curious about our defensiveness and why we feel uncomfortable. Let's show our kids this process and model it for them. What if my kids could just learn it the first time, and never have to unlearn it? How would that impact this country in 20 years?
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Racists make me tired
Last Saturday, I participated in a peaceful protest held in my town against police brutality and to show our support for Black Lives Matter. There is so much work to be done, but I was proud of our town for taking this stand. I found out yesterday that someone at the protest, a young Asian-American woman, had a "F*** the Police" sign at the protest. I didn't see it firsthand, but a friend shared a post on Facebook about it. A white man who lives in town saw it, took a picture, then posted it in a public Facebook post saying, "To my Leonia people who is this and how do you think this is ok and peaceful." Someone saw the post and took screenshots of it and a few of the comments. Thankfully, the screenshots blocked the woman's face to protect her identity, so I don't know how old she is but it seems that there is consensus that she is young, so I’m guessing anywhere from high school to early 20s.
The ensuing comments on the original post are horrific (and apparently the screenshot only captured a few of the hundreds of comments): outright racist remarks/tired racist Asian tropes alluding to her foreignness and inability to speak English properly - "She is a rooser" and "She thinks she a smart wise ass...than she should get the hell out of our country!" (grammatical errors and spelling mistakes ironic because, you know, he's saying, ok you get it) as well as a double whammy that combines both sexism AND racism in one fell swoop, not to mention sexualization of a young woman: "Maybe she meant 'Happy Ending' but couldn't fit in on the sign ??? 😆😆😆” That last comment about the "happy ending" was posted by Jack Peters, a Leonia resident, President of Leonia Fire Company #1 and Lieutenant of the Leonia Volunteer Fire Department.
The post was eventually taken down, but not after it had already made the rounds and as you know, nothing ever completely disappears from the Internet. I’m not clear if the original poster faced any consequences or has said anything publicly, but our mayor caught wind of the post and had a long discussion with Jack Peters, who initially issued an apology to the town, but then soon after decided that he would voluntarily resign from both posts. The mayor announced the resignation on our town listserv as well as a Facebook group called “I grew up in Leonia” which has 2,600 members. I didn’t grow up here and I’m not a part of it, but according to its page, the group’s purpose is to “...reminisce about the past, reunite, share photos and documents, discuss history, and update each other about the town's present.” The comments that were posted in response to the mayor’s announcement are equally horrific, but perhaps not completely surprising. I have to admit that living in a town that is very politically liberal and also has a significant Korean population, I got complacent. I’ve personally experienced very little racism while living here the past five years, but this incident has been a jarring reminder of the ubiquity of racism, even in this progressive, diverse town.
I’m angry but shouting at people is not going to change anything. So below I’ve dissected why so much of what I read on that Facebook post is problematic. As they say, having the right language is key. We can’t begin to identify, assess and fight racism and white supremacy until we are able to name the issues and speak clearly about them.
Re the original post, a couple thoughts. 1) Imagine having the luxury of being more offended by the F word or outraged at a generalization about police written on a poster than what triggered that poster—a black man calmly being murdered in broad daylight by a police officer? Do I personally agree with the poster? No. But if you don’t understand WHY she wrote that poster—the ugly and persistent history of police brutality against Black people in our country—then you are missing the point entirely. 2) God I am so tired of the perpetual foreigner trope. It doesn’t matter if you are born and raised here and can speak, read and write English better than a lot of white people (fight me on this one), some people will look at you and automatically assume you’re not American. Are we seriously still discussing this right now? 3) The sexualization of a woman, let alone a young woman, is deeply disturbing, esp. by a man who some said is old enough to be her father.
Re the comments: there are a few recurring themes in the comments that are SO textbook. Robin DiAngelo, the author of White Fragility, described her experience giving talks to groups of white people on anti-racism training and said this: “It’s so consistent and so patterned, it’s like a script; after a while you can just stand there and say, ‘I can predict what a white person is going to say right now.’” What’s basically happening in the comments of this post is that white people are arguing with each other--some who think the right result happened, and some who think that things went “too far.” Here are some of the common themes coming up from those in that latter camp:
- “He’s a good man!” / “He’s a firefighter and public servant!” / “I know the kind of person he is!” → POINT: We should see the offender here as an individual and look at the totality of who he is, including his good works. COUNTERPOINT: White people want to be seen as individuals but are constantly generalizing and stereotyping all people of color (white people clutching their purses when a black man approaches, black people being followed in stores, Asians are good at math, etc.) Ironic, right? Because what did Jack Peters do? Oh that’s right, he took one look at that woman and insinuated in the joke that because she is an Asian woman, she’s a massage parlor prostitute. Also, the fact that he’s in public service is not supporting your argument. The onus is HIGHER on public servants to do the right thing because they need to have the trust of the public to do their work effectively. Don’t you see how this has come full circle from the poster expressing anger at the police?
- “This isn’t the town we grew up in!” → POINT: Things have gotten worse in our town based on this incident. COUNTERPOINT: Code words for the good ol’ days when white people could say what they wanted without consequence, and accountability for racism didn’t exist.
- “We all get emotional!” / “It was one mistake!” / “Get over it!” / “That’s not who he is.” → POINT: No one’s perfect, so he should be given a pass. It wasn’t that bad. He’s not really racist. Racism is not a big problem. COUNTERPOINT: A common tactic that denies the severity of a racist act and also minimizes the impact of that act on people of color. It’s telling people of color how to feel when confronted with racism, aka whitesplaining. The “That’s not who he is” is particularly laughable to me. If you’re able to make that kind of comment casually on Facebook, that is exactly who you are. You aren’t a racist on Facebook who is anti-racist in real life. There is an acronym used in psychology called DARVO. It’s a tactic people use where they: 1) Deny, 2) Attack, 3) Reverse Victim and Offender. This is the “deny” piece.
- “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” / “This is a witch hunt!” → POINT: This is an overreaction and we should not have to deal with this. You are not good people. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “attack” piece. Attacking the people who are trying to hold someone accountable.
- “He should not have had to lose his job!” / “Poor Jack!” / “This has turned into a lynch mob! (No, really. Someone said that. Ugh.) POINT: We are the victims. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “reverse victim and offender” piece of DARVO, making the offender out to be the victim. Quick fact check here: no one fired him. He resigned voluntarily.
While it is not the responsibility of people of color to take on the labor of educating white folks about their own racism, I needed to work this out for myself. A couple thoughts to close this out: 1. I am so disappointed in what I saw on that Facebook post, but maybe it was good to see the ugliness exposed so we can be reminded of what we’re dealing with. We ALL need to do the really hard, uncomfortable work of rooting out the racism in us and addressing it, but white people especially because white supremacy was built for them at the expense of people of color. It’s a problem when we’re still often at the very first stage of trying to get people to acknowledge that racism exists at all. 2. I am a pessimist at heart, but I also want to celebrate the many successes that have happened since the protests started, like Louisville passing Breonna’s Law which bans no-knock warrants and many cities redirecting funds from the police budget to services for health, homelessness, youth, education, etc. 3. There is no middle ground here. You have to make a decision as to which side you’re on. And if you don’t pick, it’s been picked for you.
The ensuing comments on the original post are horrific (and apparently the screenshot only captured a few of the hundreds of comments): outright racist remarks/tired racist Asian tropes alluding to her foreignness and inability to speak English properly - "She is a rooser" and "She thinks she a smart wise ass...than she should get the hell out of our country!" (grammatical errors and spelling mistakes ironic because, you know, he's saying, ok you get it) as well as a double whammy that combines both sexism AND racism in one fell swoop, not to mention sexualization of a young woman: "Maybe she meant 'Happy Ending' but couldn't fit in on the sign ??? 😆😆😆” That last comment about the "happy ending" was posted by Jack Peters, a Leonia resident, President of Leonia Fire Company #1 and Lieutenant of the Leonia Volunteer Fire Department.
The post was eventually taken down, but not after it had already made the rounds and as you know, nothing ever completely disappears from the Internet. I’m not clear if the original poster faced any consequences or has said anything publicly, but our mayor caught wind of the post and had a long discussion with Jack Peters, who initially issued an apology to the town, but then soon after decided that he would voluntarily resign from both posts. The mayor announced the resignation on our town listserv as well as a Facebook group called “I grew up in Leonia” which has 2,600 members. I didn’t grow up here and I’m not a part of it, but according to its page, the group’s purpose is to “...reminisce about the past, reunite, share photos and documents, discuss history, and update each other about the town's present.” The comments that were posted in response to the mayor’s announcement are equally horrific, but perhaps not completely surprising. I have to admit that living in a town that is very politically liberal and also has a significant Korean population, I got complacent. I’ve personally experienced very little racism while living here the past five years, but this incident has been a jarring reminder of the ubiquity of racism, even in this progressive, diverse town.
I’m angry but shouting at people is not going to change anything. So below I’ve dissected why so much of what I read on that Facebook post is problematic. As they say, having the right language is key. We can’t begin to identify, assess and fight racism and white supremacy until we are able to name the issues and speak clearly about them.
Re the original post, a couple thoughts. 1) Imagine having the luxury of being more offended by the F word or outraged at a generalization about police written on a poster than what triggered that poster—a black man calmly being murdered in broad daylight by a police officer? Do I personally agree with the poster? No. But if you don’t understand WHY she wrote that poster—the ugly and persistent history of police brutality against Black people in our country—then you are missing the point entirely. 2) God I am so tired of the perpetual foreigner trope. It doesn’t matter if you are born and raised here and can speak, read and write English better than a lot of white people (fight me on this one), some people will look at you and automatically assume you’re not American. Are we seriously still discussing this right now? 3) The sexualization of a woman, let alone a young woman, is deeply disturbing, esp. by a man who some said is old enough to be her father.
Re the comments: there are a few recurring themes in the comments that are SO textbook. Robin DiAngelo, the author of White Fragility, described her experience giving talks to groups of white people on anti-racism training and said this: “It’s so consistent and so patterned, it’s like a script; after a while you can just stand there and say, ‘I can predict what a white person is going to say right now.’” What’s basically happening in the comments of this post is that white people are arguing with each other--some who think the right result happened, and some who think that things went “too far.” Here are some of the common themes coming up from those in that latter camp:
- “He’s a good man!” / “He’s a firefighter and public servant!” / “I know the kind of person he is!” → POINT: We should see the offender here as an individual and look at the totality of who he is, including his good works. COUNTERPOINT: White people want to be seen as individuals but are constantly generalizing and stereotyping all people of color (white people clutching their purses when a black man approaches, black people being followed in stores, Asians are good at math, etc.) Ironic, right? Because what did Jack Peters do? Oh that’s right, he took one look at that woman and insinuated in the joke that because she is an Asian woman, she’s a massage parlor prostitute. Also, the fact that he’s in public service is not supporting your argument. The onus is HIGHER on public servants to do the right thing because they need to have the trust of the public to do their work effectively. Don’t you see how this has come full circle from the poster expressing anger at the police?
- “This isn’t the town we grew up in!” → POINT: Things have gotten worse in our town based on this incident. COUNTERPOINT: Code words for the good ol’ days when white people could say what they wanted without consequence, and accountability for racism didn’t exist.
- “We all get emotional!” / “It was one mistake!” / “Get over it!” / “That’s not who he is.” → POINT: No one’s perfect, so he should be given a pass. It wasn’t that bad. He’s not really racist. Racism is not a big problem. COUNTERPOINT: A common tactic that denies the severity of a racist act and also minimizes the impact of that act on people of color. It’s telling people of color how to feel when confronted with racism, aka whitesplaining. The “That’s not who he is” is particularly laughable to me. If you’re able to make that kind of comment casually on Facebook, that is exactly who you are. You aren’t a racist on Facebook who is anti-racist in real life. There is an acronym used in psychology called DARVO. It’s a tactic people use where they: 1) Deny, 2) Attack, 3) Reverse Victim and Offender. This is the “deny” piece.
- “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” / “This is a witch hunt!” → POINT: This is an overreaction and we should not have to deal with this. You are not good people. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “attack” piece. Attacking the people who are trying to hold someone accountable.
- “He should not have had to lose his job!” / “Poor Jack!” / “This has turned into a lynch mob! (No, really. Someone said that. Ugh.) POINT: We are the victims. COUNTERPOINT: This is the “reverse victim and offender” piece of DARVO, making the offender out to be the victim. Quick fact check here: no one fired him. He resigned voluntarily.
While it is not the responsibility of people of color to take on the labor of educating white folks about their own racism, I needed to work this out for myself. A couple thoughts to close this out: 1. I am so disappointed in what I saw on that Facebook post, but maybe it was good to see the ugliness exposed so we can be reminded of what we’re dealing with. We ALL need to do the really hard, uncomfortable work of rooting out the racism in us and addressing it, but white people especially because white supremacy was built for them at the expense of people of color. It’s a problem when we’re still often at the very first stage of trying to get people to acknowledge that racism exists at all. 2. I am a pessimist at heart, but I also want to celebrate the many successes that have happened since the protests started, like Louisville passing Breonna’s Law which bans no-knock warrants and many cities redirecting funds from the police budget to services for health, homelessness, youth, education, etc. 3. There is no middle ground here. You have to make a decision as to which side you’re on. And if you don’t pick, it’s been picked for you.
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