Tuesday, May 3, 2011

24 weeks: o_O

i skipped a week, i know. last week was pretty busy - the first half of the week was busy at work so i came home and crashed. wednesday, sh and i went to pick up my mom from the airport. we didn't get back till after 11pm (is there ever a time when jfk doesn't have arrival delays?). my mom was on a plane for over 18 hours, came into our apartment and started cleaning the kitchen. i was like, "mom! you'll have plenty of time to do that later. relax!" "i'm not tired at all!" seriously, moms are the best. i thought to myself, will i love lana enough to do that? i don't know! i hate cleaning the kitchen! i'll pay for a housekeeper. :) my excuse for not blogging for the rest of the week is i was hanging out with my mom. saturday was sammie's bday party (pictures will be up on fb soon, thanks to andy rhee, doggy photographer!) and saturday night to sunday night we went down to nj to visit my aunt.

there are a lot of things running through my mind lately. april has been a hard month professionally, physically, emotionally and mentally. my body is starting to feel heavier, more tired, more achy. back pain and foot pain are regular parts of my day now. but the physical hardships are manageable so far because i'm prepared for them and know that they're a normal part of pregnancy - a part of pregnancy i would gladly go through to have a healthy baby at the end. and i think a lot of what i'm struggling with are normal struggles, ones that have nothing to do with being pregnant, but being pregnant and tired and achy and hormonal exacerbates those struggles. but at the same time, the anticipation of being able to see lana soon makes things easier too. i guess it's give and take.

i have a lot of things i want to get on paper but don't have the time right now. i think i need to process my thoughts and take some time to put decent words to them instead of creating an all-out unedited stream-of-consciousness mess. until then, i saw this recently and both laughed out loud and cried within a 2 minute span. it's so awesome. it's called 'a mother's prayer for her child' by tina fey.

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

bump! (i don't post for a week and i practically double in size! i can't believe that's me. but do keep in mind i just ate a big dinner and some more cold stone. oh, and i measured my waist - 37 inches. holy crap.)

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