Tuesday, March 1, 2011

15 weeks: feeling bipolar + maybe hormones can be a good thing

sometimes, i complain to sh that we are still so far away from august 23. but i have to admit that each week does go by pretty quickly. 5 more weeks and i'll be halfway through the pregnancy (and we'll know if the baby is a mini-sh or a mini-carol). well, hopefully by then i'll be liking food and sh can take me out to eat somewhere yummy. not being able to eat normally has been the biggest frustration for me during this pregnancy. it's really hard to think of something i can eat that's not cereal, fruit, yogurt or bacon.

so i've been feeling very up and down this week - bipolar not in my attitude towards the baby, but in how i feel about this world into which the baby will be born. i think it's hard sometimes to wrap my head around the fact that this world is so dichoto...mous? (is that a word?) sometimes, life is good. saturday morning was chilly but super sunny, so sh, sammie and i took a nice walk to fort greene (which did wonders for my SAD-ness) to pick up muffins and coffee from a small coffee shop. i thought to myself how excited i am that soon we'll have a baby that can join us in morning walks like these.

but at other times, life really just sucks. i've recently gotten into the tv show bones. i know it's been on for a while but the first time i saw the show was only a few weeks ago. it seems like it's on at least 3 times every evening, so i've been watching it incessantly. (it doesn't hurt that i had a crush on david boreanaz during the buffy years and now he's back as a hunky fbi agent.) obviously, there's always a dead person involved in the plot since dr. brennan + team are now investigating said dead person's bones to solve the mystery of the death. and almost always, there's a murderer involved in the plot as well. i started crying during one episode where the murderer was particularly callous and horrible and demented.

when sh got home later that night, i started tearing up again. when he asked me what was wrong, i told him how it's scary to think of bringing a baby into this crappy world. just the thought of the baby experiencing any hurt, sadness or fear makes me want to cry, but i know it's inevitable. how can a parent raise a child to have some understanding that this world is flawed while also adequately protecting the child from those flaws until it's ready to tackle them on its own? i know this is probably one of THE questions of parenthood and i probably won't have to battle it until a little later, but it's there, floating around in my mind. the lens with which i look at everything has changed since i got pregnant. if i weren't pregnant, i would've watched that episode of bones and gone, "ugh. what a nutjob" and moved on. now, it's "omg, nutjobs like that live in the same world as our soon-to-be born baby." freak out ensues. i'm sure hormones have something (maybe a lot) to do this with these emotions and thought processes. at first i would blame hormones for overreacting or being oversensitive or just feeling miserable. but now i'm not so sure. maybe hormones can be a good thing. maybe it's preparing me now for the emotions and thought processes i'll go through a million times over as a mom.

ultimately, all these emotions and thought processes i'm going through as i progress through pregnancy are showing me a little more about how God feels about us. if i can love the baby this much and i haven't even seen it yet (minus the little show it put on for us during the ultrasound), how much more does he love us? after i calmed down from the freak out over bones, sh responded that we don't have to worry. he reminded me that this world sucks but God is good.

this week's baby bump picture:

1 comment:

  1. I guess you didnt hear from your mom about how you are only supposed to look at pretty things and eat only pretty things. Korean thing but I get it. Everything is definitely heightened. All good thoughts for sure. This world does suck but truly God is good. It gets easier - all of these tough hard weighing questions... I think God walks us through them and really readies us during pregnancy and beyond. I remember having all of these hard weighing and sometimes depressing questions but they didn't just go out into the void, somehow God heard each one and really valued my concerns and led me to a lot of different things and thoughts I never thought I'd have. Pregnancy and parenthood is a special time, i think if you allow it, it can really take you to deep and wonderful new levels of faith and intimacy with God. Oh and yes pregnancy feels like time moves really slow but at the end and when it's over it'll feel like it all happened in a blink of an eye. Happy for u guys. Can't wait to hear if it's a mini sh or carol - both are a joy! :D